Struggle Builds Strength — But No One Should Struggle Alone

We spend a lot of our lives trying to avoid struggle.

As parents, we want to protect our children.
As managers, we want to remove difficulties for our teams.
As friends, we want to solve problems for the people we care about.

Our intention is good.

But sometimes, by removing every difficulty, we may also remove the very experience that helps someone become stronger.

I was recently reminded of this through an article by Milind Jadhav titled “Struggle Builds Strength.”

He shares the familiar story of a butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon. A man, thinking that he is helping, cuts open the cocoon. The butterfly comes out easily—but its wings never develop properly, and it cannot fly. The struggle that looked unnecessary was actually part of the butterfly's development.

That story made me think about struggle differently.

Not Every Struggle Is a Problem to Be Solved

We often assume that when someone is struggling, our job is to make the struggle disappear.

But perhaps our role is sometimes different.

Maybe we should not remove the mountain.

Maybe we should simply walk beside the person climbing it.

Milind captures this beautifully when he writes about something a professor said:

“Make sure your children know they are not struggling alone.”

That distinction is powerful.

Helping someone does not always mean solving their problem.

Sometimes helping means saying:

I am here.

Try again.

You can handle this.

If you fall, I will still be here.

There is a big difference between supporting someone through a struggle and taking the struggle away from them.

We Usually Think Everyone Else Is Doing Better

Another interesting point in Milind's article is the feeling that our struggles are somehow unique.

We look around and think:

Everyone else seems to have figured out their career.

Everyone else's children seem to be doing well.

Everyone else's marriage seems perfect.

Everyone else appears financially secure.

Everyone else seems confident.

And then we look at our own life and see uncertainty, mistakes, deadlines, disagreements and unfinished plans.

The article refers to this as false uniqueness bias—the tendency to believe our struggles are more unusual than they really are, while assuming others are coping better.

But we rarely see the full story of another person's life.

We see their promotion, not the years of rejection.

We see the successful business, not the failed experiments.

We see the confident speaker on stage, not the nervous first presentation.

We see the child who performs well, not the hours of frustration behind it.

We see the butterfly.

We don't see the cocoon.

Parenting: Don't Cut Every Cocoon

This lesson is especially relevant for parents.

Our natural instinct is to make life easier for our children.

If homework is difficult, we want to help.

If they have a conflict, we want to intervene.

If they fail, we want to protect them from disappointment.

If something can be done faster by us, we simply do it for them.

But childhood cannot become a completely frictionless experience.

A child sometimes needs to struggle with a maths problem.

They need to lose a game.

They need to forget something and deal with the consequence.

They need to hear “no.”

They need to attempt something several times before succeeding.

Because confidence doesn't come from repeatedly hearing:

“You are capable.”

Real confidence often comes from experiencing:

“This was difficult. I struggled. But eventually, I did it.”

That experience stays with a person.

The Same Applies at Work

The principle also applies to leadership.

A good manager doesn't necessarily solve every technical problem for the team.

If the manager always jumps in with the answer, the task may get completed faster—but the engineer may never develop the ability to solve the next problem independently.

Sometimes the better approach is to provide context, ask questions, remove genuine blockers and let the person work through the difficulty.

There will naturally be mistakes.

There may be slower progress.

But capability is being built.

Strong teams are not created by leaders who solve every problem.

They are created by leaders who know when to help and when to let people figure things out.

Of Course, Not Every Struggle Is Useful

There is an important distinction.

We should not romanticize suffering.

Some struggles are unnecessary.

Toxic environments, abuse, unreasonable pressure, discrimination or problems where someone genuinely needs intervention should not be justified by saying, “Struggle makes you stronger.”

The lesson is not:

Never help.

The lesson is:

Understand what kind of help is actually needed.

Sometimes the right help is removing the problem.

Sometimes the right help is giving advice.

Sometimes the right help is simply staying nearby while the other person solves it themselves.

Wisdom lies in knowing the difference.

Stay Close, But Don't Cut the Cocoon

The conclusion of Milind Jadhav's article expresses this idea beautifully: stay close to people during their struggle, but don't weaken them by doing the struggle for them.

I think this applies far beyond parenting.

It applies to our children.

Our colleagues.

Our friends.

Our family.

And even to ourselves.

Whenever life becomes difficult, our first thought is often:

“Why is this happening to me?”

Perhaps occasionally we can ask another question:

“What is this teaching me?”

Maybe patience is developing.

Maybe resilience is developing.

Maybe confidence is developing.

Maybe clarity is developing.

Maybe we are learning what doesn't work.

Maybe our wings are still forming.

So when someone you care about is struggling, don't immediately reach for the scissors.

Stay close.

Encourage them.

Guide them when necessary.

Let them know they are not alone.

But whenever possible, allow them to complete the struggle that belongs to them.

Because sometimes,

the struggle we desperately want to remove is exactly the struggle that will give someone the strength to fly.

Inspired by Milind Jadhav's article, “Struggle Builds Strength,” particularly his reflection that supporting someone does not always mean rescuing them from the struggle.